23 February 2012

Things like this aren't supposed to happen

I'm having trouble breathing past the tightness and the pain. Jude is dead. Now my family has a Jude-sized hole in it. And it really hurts.

Tomorrow is her birthday. She would be 37.

Your children are supposed to live much longer than you.


I didn't give birth to Jude, but she was my daughter... extended families are like that. The strange, difficult combinations and permutations can give us lovely connections that would not have happened otherwise. The pain of the relationships that don't quite work is sometimes offset by the joy that an extra son or daughter or sister or brother brings.


Oh, Jude was clever, kind, stubborn, generous, opinionated, gentle, loving, smart, beautiful... She laughed a lot at herself and rarely at others. She took in strays (animals and people) and loved them unconditionally. Family was everything for her.








She loved her husband. And I believe that he loved her too, but he also hurt her a lot. She came up to Minnesota last year to get away from him. She told me she felt really good with the decision to leave, that she loved him immensely, but couldn't handle the the violence. It seemed like she was in a good place about it all. She hoped to find a job and stay up here.






The job didn't quickly materialize. And I think he started calling her, making promises. He must have convinced her that it really was going to be different. Maybe he said he'd get therapy, seek counseling... I don't know. Jude didn't tell me and after she went back our conversations were mostly Facebook posts - short, funny, trivial... I didn't want her to feel like I would criticize her for a decision I might also have made if I were in her situation...

I guess I'll never understand why anyone would ever hurt someone they loved.

Today we found out that they are dead. We think that sometime this week he killed her and then killed himself.


I really, really cannot believe this happened. Oh, fuck, it hurts. It hurts.
What I really want to do right now is gather everyone close and take care of them, protect them.

Jude - I love you. I can't stand it that he took you away from us.

6 comments:

Gloria Moore said...

Monta, I am so sorry about this. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug.
Love, Gloria Moore

Anonymous said...

:(

Karen Dulak said...

I just read your blog...and I am so sorry. I know those words don't mean much but know that I am thinking of you. I enjoyed having dinner with you and Wes, and hearing about your life and your family. I share in your pain and grief...our children should not leave this earth before we do.

Your writing is so beautiful...a lovely tribute.

Larry Summerton said...

I feel the same Monta. I feel as though I have lost a daughter. Jude a very over the top lovable individual is gone from my life. We all grew up together, raised our children together and have the strongest family ties a person can have. Even though it's not voiced often it is there. This episode has affected me far more than I can muster the words for. My little Joella. Love you...

Carol said...

Monta- I am so sorry to hear this. I remember meeting Jude at mosaics one night last summer. She had such a kind and gentle energy. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish for peace and strength for you and your family...

Terrie Lueck said...

I don't know the pain you are feeling, I can't make it go away, I can't tell you why this happened, "I'm sorry" just isn't enough. Know that so many are here for you when you are ready need us. Hugs to you and prayers that you all find the peace you need to keep moving forward as she would want you to.